If I can keep it 100p, I would say that I’ve enjoyed the VERY best of friendships and some of the most PAINFUL heart wrenching moments in friendships.

And to also keep it 100p, I wont change anything for the whole world

The many seasons of friends and friendships in my life have made me this human that I am today. And has pushed me ridiculously closer to Jesus.

And I have learned a few very invaluable lessons. The lessons birthed this post.

Every Wednesday, I hold a meeting over Zoom at 5am with 3 other friends of mine. The purpose of our coming together is ONE THING… To grow in our all round leadership. We listen to and review Craig Groeschel’s leadership podcast weekly and then read and review a book centered around the pods we listened to that month.

This morning, I was sat in that meeting listening to everyone share what they got from EMBRACING CHANGE and just flat out thankful to God for these women and how they help me lead better.

Then it dawned on me the tangent my life had recently taken, and so far, this seems to be working.

I have FINALLY realised that for my life ooo, I need to have various persons for various needs and purposes, and never abuse them.


Friendship abuse.

Now that’s a term I’m personally and painfully acquainted with.

Abuse happens when you use a thing for the purpose it is not meant for.

I would abuse my friendship with these ladies above if I go and start to talk to them about my marriage and be angry if they dont provide the answers and emotional support I need.

I would abuse my friendship with, for example, Valerie, if I go to her explaining problems at work or in my team and she cannot offer a useable solution, or even falls short of understanding.

So these days, I ask myself the purpose of every human in my life and I use them for only purpose.

I have a few warrior friends. When I need spiritual fortification, I know who to call.

I have some gisty friends. I have gist about my help, my kids, another friend, or my kids school, I call them. They get my life and can roll with me on that level.

I have a few serious friends. With them, it is purpose, vision, what is God saying, how far 2020 goals and so on. I would set myself up for failure if I go to them when I need emotional support.

Oh I have a few friends who bring the emotional support. I can cryyyyyyyyyyyy with them and they will listen. I recall walking through a very bad time late last year with a friendship. I rang another friend and she no pick. I sent her a text and my words were few… “I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.”

She rang me back immediately and I just let loose. And she listened and listened well.

Another time I was going to walk away from a friendship. I knew I was doing the right thing but I still needed support. It was hard so having someone hold my hand through it all, and ensure I kept it classy despite the cessation.

I have friends who I can go to when I am having issues with my husband but have no business sharing anything about my 2020 goals with

And so on.

This clear boundary lines have really helped my relationships in 2 major ways

1. It has reduced the pressure girl. Phew.
Imagine when I used to foolishly think one friend could handle it all, and that would bring so much pressure to the friendship. And cause me very painful heartaches. Which lead to the second thing

2. It has drastically reduced heartache for me. I bruise easily, so guarding my heart is important. I recall sometime last year, or was it early this year, the Lord told me to demote myself in the life of a friend. I quickly did. Next thing, she did something that if my expectations were still high, I would have been so hurt. But since I had the expo before hand, it was easy peezy. And our friendship has stayed great, because my expectations are managed and I stick to the purpose.

Bang at the end of last year, I started to get very funny vibes from a particular close friend. I took it to prayers. I wasnt sure how to handle it but I sure didnt want to force anything if the season was over. Then the lady in question did a couple things that just further made me realise it really was over. Infact, I completely saw it coming so it was easy to tell her “Babe I’m sorry but I’m done…”.

Yes, I also believe in officially closing out friendships so we know where we stand. I never play ostrich. If there is a issue, let’s address it. Then know which way we are moving

I want to respect you enough to let you know my heart so we can both take our emotional investments to places where we get the best ROIs

We dont become enemies, a season just changed.

I feel like if we walk closely with God, He can tell us when a season is about to end. I’ve seen this play out over and over again, so now I’m not here for we are friends for life.

We are friends for purpose. If that purpose is for life, then we can be for life.

If that purpose passes, I am now excited to move on to experience the other amazing things in store for me, and happy to let you experience yours too.

I’ve seen friends try to bully and guilt trip me to remain on a certain level, but I’m happy to demote myself in your life and encourage you to do so.

And trust me, it’s better.

I’ll round up with another lesson I’ve learned from friendships…

Anything too common diminishes in value

I need to say it again for people in the parking lot


I dont care how tight you guys are, covenant or blood connected, RESPECT YOURSELF.

I’ve seen a friendship literally mirror CASTING PEARLS BEFORE SWINES for me. I didn’t doubt that I was loved, but I also knew that I was abused emotionally, and so I’ve learned that even for good things, let’s avoid the temptation to be too common.

I think it’s just human nature to devalue anything that has no form of scarcity or want. You blink they are there. You cough, they are there.

I found myself on the giving end of a relationship like that recently and I had to find a way to talk to the person to please reduce frequency because it really started to lose appeal for me.

Scarcity, of any degree, is classy.

Plus, if we are on assignment doing God’s work, even our friendships will be on schedule.

You cant have time to be talking 24/7

My close friendships are scheduled ooo. Yes, we have bursts of spontaneity but to ensure we keep the friendship going, we have fixed times to catch up and fill our friendship tank.

Frankly ehn, I’ve grown ooo

And this has come from a mix of pain, maturity, age, wisdom and a strong sense of purpose.

Frankly friendships should be driven by purpose, and today more than ever, I’m thankful for how I’m navigating the ones in my life.

And I’m really grateful because God continues to send me amazing people, most of whom I domt deserve so now I am more careful navigating them with wisdom

Your turn.

How have you been handling your friendships?

Do you have further questions?

You can share in the comments below


8 Responses

  1. Purposeful friendships.. (deep sighs) but this is actually the best way to go about friendship. I sm still learning how to make friends.

    I just closed out on one of my friends because we didn’t set healthy boundaries and both of ended up hurting each other. We have moved on but it still difficult reconnecting to each other.

    My question is that how do make friends and how can you connect back to a friend a friend you closed out on if you feel there are things you can still do for each other

  2. How do you close a chapter of a friendship especially when you know both of you are not vibing on same frequency again. I don’t want to make it look like am belittling the person. So I still stick around but deep down am not getting the value. Sometimes I feel I am the push in her life. So she is more relaxed and to me it looks like she is just ok with being pampered in the friendship.

    Thank you

    1. Hey sis! I love your question. Part of being an ADULT is having DIFFICULT conversations with mutual respect, love and grace. We cannot escape it everywhere, at home, work, with our kids, husbands, helps and FRIENDS. If you feel that season of friendship is over, then sit down with respect, boldness, love and maturity and have the difficult conversation of closing things up. Make sure you’re not slamming the door, just move on nicely.

  3. reading this just laid me flat on my face!!!!Jesus,help me listen to you to know when to close out or close in on friendships!
    so have got a question-this issue of if there’s an issue,let’s address it,should this be all the time we sense an issue or how do we know there’s an issue for real?
    secondly ,”avoid anything that’s to common” .
    what the essence of friendship if we can’t be available for each other ALWAYS?
    I thought friends mean,been available when needed?

    1. First sis, because God is so jealous of us and is the only one in our lives allowed to be there for us ALWAYS. ALWAYZ is too much pressure to put on DUST aka humans.

      On the addressing issue, its OK to address even what you ARE NOT SURE of. For instance I’ve had a friend corner me about issues she was sure existed but I didnt have any of those issues

      Even though it was in her head,her talking to me cleared out the lies

      Good mature friends should be able to sort out ANYTHING even assumptions

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