Don’t marry him if… Part 1

I sooo love my blog readers walahi…

See all the disturbance I got from when I mentioned that I was going to post this. You ladies love marriage sha. And yes I know men are also reading this and I am VERY happy so that you would know the kinda guy to NOT be if you are going to marry a woman like Eziaha. Yes, I said that. I am so proud of me jare. And guess who else is… yup you guessed right.

Ok, this post is really gonna be IN YOUR FACE… No petting, No cover up. So if you are not comfy with IN YOUR FACE, then sayonara baby…

Ok let’s…

This message was preached by Pastor Mildred Kingsley Okonkwo, a terrific BEAUTIFUL woman of God, at LDM in DCC sometime in 2012. I found it really really helpful and I have her permission to do this. Love you Pastor M… Kisskiss. Btw this is of course not exhaustive. You cannot exhaust a topic like this in 50mins. Plus I have added a bit of Eziaha flava…

Marriage is of course a really big deal. Two really and totally become one and so it makes sense that we are joined to the right kinda man. You gotta find the right kinda qualities but it is also important that we check that he does not have the wrong kinda qualities.

1. Don’t marry him if he cannot see… That is he has no vision. He has to be able to see the future that he is inviting you to follow him on. Before you find a partner for life, you ought to FIRST find a purpose for life. The blind CANNOT lead the blind. Would you enter a bus when the driver is blindfolded or even though he can drive he has NO idea where he is going? Nope. I am sure you would NOT. If you would not do that for something as mundane as a bus, why would any right thinking lady follow a BLIND CLUELESS VISIONLESS MAN into this lifelong covenant called marriage? Beats me. And please ‘planning to travel’ is NOT a plan or a vision ooo. Look out for vision… He is fine, he is rich, he buys you flowers and chocolate, promises you heaven and earth but does he have a VISION for life?

Another aspect of seeing is that can he TRULY SEE you for whom you are and can become? The husband is like a gardener, the husbandman. He is supposed to bring out the best in you as he nurtures you. He needs to see potential. Quick example… Pastor M used to be a real shy woman, the kind that would get on stage to talk, start hyperventilating and pass out (Ok she never got to that but exaggeration helps my point) but when she met the MAN that is Kingsley Okonkwo, he saw and pulled out the potential in her.

He always pushes for bigger dreams than she would EVER dream of. At the very first Just Us girls conference which was to hold at this major events centre in lekki, as the stress was getting too much, she decided she would do it in Jamz base jejely which was where Church used to be then, somewhere at Apple Junction in Amuwo. But PK no gree ooo. He kept pushing her. Was like infact they should even bring international artistes like Cece Winans, etc. And that program held and has gotten bigger over the years. That is just an instance. Today really, Pastor M has blossomed into a real beautiful garden that we just wanna kidnap emulate, all thanks to her husband and my Pastor…

2. Do not marry him if he is INSECURE… and its evil twin JEALOUS. Now the bad part is that not only will an insecure man NOT achieve his dream because of his low self esteem, he will ALSO HINDER YOU FROM ACHIEVING YOURS. If you have big dreams, bigger than his (which is not at all bad so far both of you can manage it well), he will frustrate you so much because he cannot deal with you being ‘greater’ than him. He should be comfortable enough to let you soar… And support you while at it. Classic case… Pastor Taiwo Odukoya. I dunno if men come more secure. How many people did not know Pastor Bimbo?

In fact, a lot of times he was referred to as Pastor Bimbo’s husband. It was only Fountaineers that knew who the ‘real boss and wind beneath her wings’ was. He let Pastor Bim soar. And Pastor Bim was a really wise woman ooo. Very submissive. She always said that her husband made her who she was and could bring her down in one day. You know I used to attend Fountain for a long time. Trust me, Pastor Taiwo is a REAL MAN. Lemme make a necessary diversion here. I recently stumbled upon THE FOUNTAIN, a magazine publication by TFOLC and this edition was to celebrate the life and times of Bimbo Odukoya. I still cried while reading it again. This is a line from the poem Pastor wrote for his wife

‘…that I LOVED YOU too much to keep you from HIS CALL was evident in the liberty you had to SOAR in His name…’

It was really evident because indeed Pastor Bim soared…

Also one of her PA’s talked about her as a homemaker…

‘…her husband our very dear Pastor Taiwo came first on her priority list. She was very particular about what he ate and how it was served. You couldn’t serve him with just any plate or cutlery, everything had to be right. Many times she did the cooking herself. Whenever he couldn’t eat before leaving for the office, she always made sure something was packed and sent to the office for him. Whenever he came back from an outing, EVERY activity was put on hold until he was properly taken care of.’

Whenever she was preaching then at Single and Married, and she referred to Pastor, you could see and touch the respect she had for him. I am saying all this to strike a balance. A woman with big dreams who finds a man who gives her enough liberty to soar should also KNOW that the same man can make her lose it all and THAT she would even do by her actions. BALANCE ladies, BALANCE!!! Ok this is about the men so let’s go back to the message jare.

Ok one last gist please hehehe…

People can talk sha. Pastor married FOUR years after Pastor Bim died.

You need to know all the begging and pleading Fountaineers did for him to re-marry. All the blackmail Tolu did for her daddy to re-marry.

 

Is FOUR years not enough biko nu? Some men re-marry in one year ooo. People of the world!!!

Pastor Nomthi gave birth a lil over eight months after the wedding and people carried gist again, Kai!!! Ever heard of PREMATURE babies? I was one. I came less than 8months sef. I am so happy at how Pastor’s life has turned out sha. I am sure Pastor Bim is smiling down on her now bigger family.

Ok, back to the ‘don’t marry him if…’

We’re still on INSECURE JEALOUS MEN

Aside from not letting you fulfill your dreams, he also won’t trust you. You know, you achieve something and instead of him to be happy for you, he starts acting funny and suspecting you of all sorts of things. Pastor M told the story of her friend, a really pretty model who married an insecure man. Of course, that was the end of her modeling. Everyday when he came home, he would first of all touch her car to be sure it was not hot indicating that she went somewhere. After marriage, he changed her phone, cut her off from a lot of people, etc. Please If that is not slavery, what is? Insecurity…

Another gist.

Another married lady whose husband did not have a formal education made her come home EVERY weekend. And then sometimes he would just tell her that she could not go to school that week irrespective of what was going down in school that week, test and exams inclusive, for no reason other than insecurity. She tried to rebel and of course you know what followed na, beating. Last last sha she made a third class. Guys couldn’t call her or greet her on the road ooo. That usually resulted in beating, from the road home. During NYSC he didn’t let her discover herself, restricting her to just teaching despite her wanting to spread her wings a bit.

Insecurity…

3. Don’t marry him if he is a MOMMY’S BOY… This one I am big on personally. If he has to refer to mommy or daddy for every one decision in your matrimonial home, hmm well I am sorry for you. Please watch him wella when you are dating before marriage. ‘Let’s ask mommy…’ Mschewwwwww. If you marry a mommy’s boy who cannot make decisions on his own, You have married him and his mother. If he is in love with his momma, you will be a second wife and I dunno how you can live with that ooo. The field no level already cos when you wanna make Poundo yam she will say that is NOT what he usually eats, that she pounded his yam in the mortar for 30 whole years and then she’ll proceeds to pounding it. Please how can YOU compete with that? The kinda man we need is a strong man that knows when to draw the line between you and his family. I had a friend whose sister in law lives with them and one day slapped her and her husband said NOTHING and still let the sister live with them. I am sorry but not slapping back IS A SIN… You cannot slap me in my husband’s house ooo. YOU CANNOT… infact why am I even protesting. It is easier for an elephant to pass through half the eye of a needle than for such rubbish to be conceived by anyone.

Personally, I do not think that parents and inlaws should live with a couple except if truly necessary such as Omugwo and even that should NOT be forever. Interestingly I lived and still live ‘on and off’ with my sister and that is because they INSISTED. I was a far too useful sister, aunty and inlaw and a pure joy to have around and let her kids grow with. Today I am still their all time fave aunt. If I even go back to my parents’ for a while, na so dem go dey use phone call drag me back especially my BIL. Before momsie dey vex but now she has given up hehehe. But I digress.

You get my point sha. He man needs to be a MAN and not a boy, whether daddy’s or mommy’s.

4. Don’t marry him if he is ABUSIVE whether emotionally, physically or psychologically ABUSIVE. No matter his pedigree, bank account, Ivy league degrees, an abusive man is a no go area. Most abusive people are hurting inside and with no one else to unleash on, the person closest to them takes the abuse, in this case wifey or partner. For some men, they may not beat you but with their words they will finish your destiny. ‘Please you that I am even managing you are still opening your mouth’ ‘What do you think you are wearing? Other girls will wear skinny jeans, you sef with your mosquito and chicken leg will also wear’ ‘Na wa ooo, color blocking is NOT for people like you abeg. You sef wan color block, mumu’ Even if the whole world is applauding you, he will find things to yab about you and the sad thing about we ladies is that tz the man’s validation we crave the most. Sad much. This is emotional abuse please. And psychological too. It is NOT normal. No baby, it is not. Btw, Ladies we need to learn self evaluation jare on our own… ‘appreciate your own self and let others own be the jara. If a guy keeps abusing you emotionally by saying stuff like this, you would swallow it so much that you would actually believe you have issues and that is how low self esteem will start especially if that guy walks out on you eventually. That sort of person will make you believe that he is ‘helping’ you by being in a relationship with you or by even marrying you. You know that saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…’

That’s a huge lie you know abi? Sticks and stones can be healed with iodine and a few stitches but words go deep deep down. They hurt… words hurt deeper and they last longest…inside your soul. And iodine and band aids cannot help. But that does not mean you should tolerate it ooo. The kinda man you need is a man who keeps saying positive words over you. Words like… ‘you are beautiful… you are virtuous… you can do better than this, etc.’ Stuff that mirror the Word and is growing you with his words.

Pastor M also talked about some ladies who call the ministry line and say things like, ‘Please help me beg this guy, he just broke up with me and my life is over… blablabla’ and would even include the guys phone numbers… biko nu nu. Just as a reminder sweetie, you do know the bible calls you a Helper abi? Meaning that you have come to help him if not he will be FRUSTRATED in this life. Abeg na who suppose dey make shakara for this matter now? Is it not the one that is called to help? Ladies please put some HIGH PREMIUM on your fabulous self. (Yea yea men, warreva jare. When you do your ‘Don’t marry her if…’ you can retaliate *tongue out*). The final kind of abuse is explained in the next number.

5. Don’t marry him if he is HOT-TEMPERED, VIOLENT OR OPINIONATED.

You know some men that are just always RIGHT… You can NEVER win any argument ooo even if na play. Even Ludo. You will see his eye will be getting red because he lost. O ma ga ooo. You cant even tell him he did something wrong. He would have to find a way to put the blame back on you. And shout at you too in the process. You cannot bring any suggestions ooo. He cannot be humble enough to take your suggestions even when superior, he just no go gree. I have a friend dating someone like that. Her opinions count for NOTHING. If she protests eh, she would not find his reaction funny. But looks like the girl can deal with being subdued like that. Me I fitn’t. Even if everyone says for example that something is orange, only him will insist it is BLUE… One man army. Please if you cannot talk to him, correct him, or teach him stuff, he is NOT ‘marryable’. And heaven forbid he apologizes when wrong… that has to be an ABOMINATION in his village.

Then the Hot tempered man? A NO NO… Big one. I am really amazed as to how women think and reason ooo. And then make silly excuses like ‘Yes he beat me but I was the one that provoked him’. That statement stopped being cool in the 12th century, if it was ever cool sef. Marriage is too much of a big deal to share it with someone that you would have to walk on egg shells with. When you guys are even dating, tendencies like him going to hit the wall violently when you as little as annoy him, or he raises his hand and then drops it and punches into something, ARE NOT TO BE IGNORED OR EXPLAINED AWAY. A man who cannot explain something without raising his voice or you cannot question his actions. One day when there is no wall or cushion to punch, and he is angered, please who will he punch? Definitely not the air or himself na. If he always loses his temper, must he find it on you? So please he has to have self control. And self control is a fruit of the spirit. You must always live balanced. No one should live on any of the extremes. He has to be a man that you can speak to freely without fear of being hit. Justifying his violence by saying it was cos you provoked him is as a result of LOW SELF ESTEEM. That is when any woman can justify being hit by a man. Which is why as a woman, you should have discovered just how precious God says you are FIRST, and carry yourself as such. Then it would be hard for you to allow any man treat you any less. Please don’t manage any man. Don’t settle for less than you are worth. The truth is that marriage comes with a lot of work and responsibility and because the woman has plenty work to do, then it only makes sense that the person that you are ‘helping’ is really worth it. Sometimes what you would have to do would not be convenient, so at least let the Love be the motivation even when you do not feel like it. Marriage is not to be one sided. Both parties should be covenant conscious and value and respect each other mutually. If the man understands that the covenant  says that He is the head and the woman is the body, then he would know that beating his wife is equal to beating his own self and is that not madness? (Ephesians 5;22ff). Christ and the church? Recall? The man should actually be able to give his life for you. Yup…

And yes a hot tempered man is also a FOOL… That is what the bible calls them ooo. Check Ecclesiastes 7 vs 9. Anger rests in the bosom of fools. Righteous anger that lands you a slap

When angry, when someone gets on your last nerves, please walk away. That shows that you are bigger than them. Don’t do anything when you are MAD.

The bible says that a companion of fools shall be destroyed. (Check proverbs something). How much more the wife of an angry FOOL? Please do yourself and unborn kids a favor and don’t join to that kinda man. Lest you destroy yourself and kids. In marriage there is a transference of spirit and after a while, you become alike so you too will get violent without even knowing. Not cool at all.

And yes, a slap in a relationship means he will BEAT YOU BLUE AND BLACK when you are married. Cos marriage has magnifying tendencies. See why you should find a man who respects you in courtship cos it will get better in marriage. A slap is NOT JUST a slap. A slap in courtship means you should slap back even harder and then run away. Don’t accept any gifts. Just run…

This is where I would love to stop for now. Part two will be up later this week so keep checking ok. And kindly do me the favor of spreading word about this so that ladies can learn from this too. We can’t keep making these avoidable mistakes.

This week finally, my blog challenge begins…

Phew… All ready. We good to go.

Lots of Love…

E

PS;

Meanwhile the answer to that guess was God ooo. The question above on who else is proud of me now, haba did you forget that I mentioned that at the start of this Post? The gist don carry una… I did this deliberately to test your remembrance span hehehe. So did you pass? LOL.

DCC btw is David’s Christian Centre…

LDM is Love Dating and Marriage which holds at DCC every first Sunday of the month at 4pm. DCC is at… (You already know where DCC is jor).