And the list goes on and on and windingly dizzyingly on…
Heyyyyyy yawl, this blog will shake a few tables until it breaks, lands every one on it on the floor and hopefully, you rise with wisdom and common sense.
The good thing is that I am also speaking to myself… I had a place of pride on this table and even though I got off about last year when the Lord wrecked my ENTIRE life, lol, I found a part of my cute behind on it again recently and bam, it shook and I fell, then rose with a permanent dose of wisdom looool. Or at least I hope so!!!
Now what table am I talking about?
You probably already guessed but how crazy is it that we are such a generation that gives deep names to shallow relationships without the testing that time, maturity and wisdom gives?
You meet someone and you hang out for 2 seconds, or 2hours and next thing, she is your BEST FRIEND or SOUL SISTER?
Or someone does a favour for you or something and suddenly she is your covenant partner or armour bearer lol
Please allow me to bear down on this Armor bearer for 17seconds.
If you read through the OT in the several places the Bible mentions the armour bearer, you would realise that armour bearers were not jokers. They literally DIED for their masters. Saul’s armour bearer for example, first refused to kill his already dying Master, and even when Saul fell on his own sword, the armour bearer too, WHO HAD NO REASON to, also fell on his sword and died. He died WITH his master. Yet we have barely known someone for 2minutes and the person is already your armour bearer and covenant sister.
Can we quickly move to the corner of the table called BEST FRIENDS? Gosh, the pressure for bessfren is REAL so now, you are getting close to one chick, next thing all over WhatsApp, you are tagging her as your bestie, and saying how much you love her, bla bla bla…
You see, one thing age, experience and godly wisdom has taught me is that in the area of human relationships, I must give it time, get to know, test every relationship before giving it a name, if I even need to. No pressure any more ooo, and guess what too, I don’t let ANY ONE put me under ANY kind of pressure too that comes from a name…
So, for instance, you say I am your role model, or best friend, or covenant sister, or Accountability partner, what happens then is I have to live up to the demands of that name, and it is REAL mehn. That is what most people who feel a need to name every relationship don’t know… that with naming comes demands and the pressure to live up to it. You think it is cute cos everyone on IG tags and comments back and forth with their ‘soul sis’ and finally you have your own XYZ but what you don’t know is that REAL relationships have some demands which you must be able to live up to if it will thrive.
Beyond pressure, one other thing that wrongly naming relationship can lead to is FRUSTRATION and this is the painful one mehn!!! You have put all that pressure on someone and then you have expectations which sadly will NOT be met, then you become FRUSTRATED and either term the person proud (my fave lol), mean, forming, insensitive, and the likes.
No, they aren’t, hun. You just moved ahead of time to name a relationship when the Lord and common sense didn’t endorse.
I laugh now cos I am reminded of at least 7 years ago when one of my closest friends then, who I used to call best friend, told me that we didn’t need to name the relationship, but instead we should just be and enjoy friendship. Because I used to harangue her for not calling me her bestie when I was all over town calling her mine, and with all that came a pressure to be certain things which UNDERSTANDABLY SO she was not ready to be.
Lol, it has taken me 7years to understand her. I certainly am VERY FAST lol.
Gosh I used to be so frustrated with her then but now I know better, Of course at some point, sense had to fall on me and when I lost the name, and the pressure, we started to enjoy a real close and healthier relationship, almost like best friends indeed but without the tag.
Even for vertical relationships, maybe you feel a need to give someone above or below you a name, so we go with ‘mama’ and ‘my daughter’ or mentor and mentee, meanwhile you guys haven’t even fully even defined what it is that you have. Gosh this society LOVES names and so we are quick to name it and claim it. Sadly, the deeper the names get, the shallower the relationships get.
Just take it slow and get to know, then lose the pressure to give it a name.
Oh, and what if truly, you gave it a name that was apt at the time and now seasons have changed and you have to move on? My sister, MOVE ON!!! Don’t fall into the pressure of being trapped by the name you gave. Un-name it and move on but guard your heart completely. I have had to move on from a couple of my previous BEST FRIENDS too.
Oh, there was a season when we were everything, but now, no more. We haven’t become enemies, rather seasons and life has happened and we realise that we can no longer keep up so we move on.
No hate, no pressures too.
Of course, I believe some people are in your life for life, but even then, don’t feel bad if you get it wrong sef and the person leaves. Just don’t let a name define the nature and depth of friendships in your life.
Now, me I am careful ooo. Infact, over careful sef. No matter how it is doing me, and sometimes it is doing me deep inside my bones cos I am super MUSHY and just LOVE LOVE LOVE my girlfriends, and I am super excited when the Lord leads me to yet another good, godly, female friend, but I rein my emotions in, resist the urge to give her the ‘soul sister’ tag no matter how well we are vibing and how similar our life stories are, or how she is completing my words.
I just enjoy what it is that we have, nurture it as best as I can, and that without pressure too.
I have seen people put pressure on me too by tagging me XYZ and then placing demands low key on me. Hmmmmm. My sister, I don’t agree ooo. You see, you can call me your mentor especially if you feel you are learning a few things from my life, but don’t pressure me into calling you a mentee and then giving you mentee privileges. I have people I call mentors like Heather Lindsey but when I drop a comment or send her an email, I have NO EXPECTATIONS. Infact, I actively pray for them cos I feel I owe them that.
And like I said in THIS POST ,what some people really owe you is a life of obedience, not responding to your emails and chats. If you follow well, you need them to stay in obedience to God so they are guiding you aright.
Speaking of which, one of my ROLE MODELS and my HOPE MODEL Chris Caine liked and commented on my post on Sunday and I just about fainted.
I love Chris to bits and frankly, the way I follow ehn, she should call me a SUPER MENTEE sef but I have no expectations from her at all and so that comment was shocking haha
Funny when I see people write long comments mentioning how she is their mentor then have some kind of expectations of a response or a reply. Infact I love hearing some of my mentors talk about how people lay these huge REPLY ME expectations on them.
It is not fair now really. Next thing you are frustrated, resentful and downright hate the person soon cos your expectations were not met.
Sometimes, we even destroy God-led friendships because of this naming and expectation pressure.
Girl, let us take the pressure off ourselves, lose the stupidity and just enjoy rich, godly, human, imperfect relationships on this our Christian walk.
Great grace to us all
Did you read Omowunmi, one of the ladies in my discipleship who shared her journey so far?
Find it here
Infact see all those who have shared here too: