Was gonna title this HOW E’ LOST HER SELF ESTEEM but I thought it would be too sensational lol.
Lemme tell yawl something about myself, if you haven’t already figured it out from my blog.
I have NEVER had a self esteem issue, as far back as adult me can remember.
The most shameful event that has probably happened to me has to be failing out of Pharmacy school and even then, I didn’t mellow ooo lol. Infact I recall one of my fake friends then saying that I was pretending to be strong hence my outward demeanor. Lol.
I guess people expected Eziaha to hide under the bed and when she comes out, to walk around with droopy head.
Truth is my basic genetic makeup has always been dramatic, life-of-the-party, can’t sit still, typical super sanguine. I am basically one of those people you would beef because you would say that I like to ‘show myself’ or ‘her own too much sef’.
I recall at Ruth’s wedding, Jire told me that I was not just in drama unit in Ibadan, I WAS DRAMA lol
Buuuuuuuut, sometime between August and November 2015, I dealt with major SELF ESTEEM ISSUES.
Now I know tz hard to believe especially for those of you who have a personal relationship with me aside my blog. And frankly it is taking/took hindsight vision to realise that what I felt like then.
You see, sometime between July and August (in Bonny island), I suffered from some kinda post-natal depression (again, hindsight vision is PERFECT). They were very sad days but I did a great job of masking, even without trying to. Truth is motherhood and wifeyhood was DRAINING me and I had regular meltdowns and storms.
Just thinking back now and I am cringing. The Lord certainly has done and keeps doing a good work in me and I can’t even recognise that girl no more.
Anyhoos, in that period, I resorted to eating. Food was a constant companion. And of course television. I would watch tons of TV whilst eating tons of trash.
So I moved from this just before I travelled
The last two weeks of August, I realised that old cloths didn’t fit no more and I would say that the dress shrunk from washing.
Yeah, tz OK to laugh. It ends well.
Buttons were staying undone or flying off. Ditto zippers. Even my underwears were getting tighter.
I kinda refused to admit I was adding weight fast.
Then the Sunday before I left Bonny, I had a picture of how I wanted to look.
Black pants and camisole
Then my natural hair up in a do…
I was going for a corporate mature look, with a nice pop of color.
I didn’t believe what I looked like. I said NO, this guy took pictures from the wrong angles jare. So after church, I got hubby to snap and my people, I still look like a stuffed bag of fufu.
My heart sank.
My people, IT HURT!!! I could not bear to look at those pictures.
The day before I left, hubby took me to some ‘important people’ for farewell and they did a GREAT job of talking about how I looked.
The next day at the airstrip, my weight read 106kg. Hmm. At 42 weeks pregnant I weighed 111kg and had already given birth to a 4.4kg baby and a placenta 6MONTHS AGO and now, baby girl was now weighing 106kg.
Then I got into Lagos, very VERY self conscious and right at the airstrip there, I went into the ladies and mistakenly caught a glimpse of me in the mirror. It was like Lagos mirrors just wanted to show me pepper. I LOOKED MASSIVE!!!
I got home and when my sister saw me, she was genuinely shocked. She said she had never seen me so fat even when I was pregnant and about to pop. Everytime I passed in front of her, she would be genuinely surprised. She could really not get used to me being fat. The help had two options for dinner that night – beans and I think fried potato or plantain. My sis said she should give me beans because of how I looked lol. Of course I am not saying this to make my sis look bad. At all… if anything, GOD used her to get me on track. Plus I knew her concerns were borne from love
She kept asking me why I didn’t workout and what I kept eating and that I need to get a job fast because this is what staying at home causes and so on.
My people, that night, I skipped 500.
Next night 600 and the numbers kept increasing till I got to 3000 at a stretch and 5500 daily
but I will talk about my workouts in subsequent posts.
Today let’s focus on self esteem, shall we?
By now, a lot of cloths didn’t fit. I stopped taking pictures. Or sharing more like. I went to church the first Sunday after major wardrobe drama and the plan was to sneak in and out.
People, I was thoroughly ashamed of my looks. Funny how the first person who saw me had a very insensitive statement to make. So much for sneaking in and out. I actually didn’t stay till the end of service because I didn’t want people to see me. I literally ran away from church. I recall a minister saw me at the gate and was greeting me but I didn’t last 2seconds greeting him. Lol. By the time Ebele rang me after service to know where I was as she had spotted me during service, I was HOME!!!
Needless to say I skipped church the next week and then the next.
Hello Church online.
Partly because I didn’t have any dress to wear and also because my self esteem was NOT exactly in heavenly places.
I mean, this is just me putting it out there. I am not saying this is the right way to live. I am just saying this was how I felt and how I dealt with it.
We would have guests at home (I was at my sister’s) and I would stay inside. And if I bumped into you, I would always be in a hurry to move away. (Hello Eloho lol)
I recall this fine brother who heard I was around and came to see me and the baby. I pretended to be on this LONG phonecall hoping he would just leave since he had seen the baby jare. Last time I saw dude was BEFORE I got married and I was still lepa. Nigga didn’t leave ooo haha. So I finally dragged myself out and the FIRST thing he said after he released me from his hug was ‘Ah, nne I bu ka’ (Ah Nne, you have really added). Didn’t hold it against him because he is like a brother to me jare.
Many many many more instances. I stopped going out too much lest i bump into someone i know on/offline. I stopped taking pictures because every angle was just wrong. Didn’t matter how I took it. I would see myself and recoil.
I recall my sis and I went shopping one day and we had a neighbour/family friend with us. I saw this nice Grecian gown I really liked and when I tried it on and came out of the dressing room, I was greeted with those funny expressions from everyone because nobody really wanted to say how stuffed you look lol. Especially as I had high expectations before I tried the dress on. That neighbour whispered to my ears as she adjusted it ‘Ah Ezi, you are FAT ooo’. And she said it rather sympathetically. Again, someone who knew me from way back.
Same experience with our family doctor. He was like ‘Ah, Eziaha, you that was lepa before’
Several several instances. There were tons of persons I would have loved to visit with but I didn’t because I didn’t want one more comment on my weight.
Not from them .
Or their mamas.
Again, just saying it as it was. Please nobody should come here and talk the nonsense of I was being emotional or people-pleasing or addicted to approval or superficial or any such nonsense. I realise that this is a struggle with most people but yawl don’t say it. If I have a resolve this year, it is to live a life of BRAVE VULNERABILITY!!!
Was having a convo with a dear friend and as she poured out to me about her weight, I realised that it was not peculiar to me back then and I shared my own stories with her too and then decided to blog about it and help people who are in this category. Tz tough sisters, I KNOW!!!
Lemme share this story about my friend’s wedding.
A friend of mine was getting married and she wanted me to anchor the reception because she was having a very intimate unconventional thing. I had lost about 10kg by then but I was still FAT. I declined, yes because I didn’t know about hosting a Yoruba wedding reception, and ALSO because I wasn’t comfy with my looks or even cloths. Anyhoos, she insisted and before then, I had been praying for God to give me an opportunity to be a blessing to her especially during her wedding and even tho we were planning a surprise bridal shower, I felt I needed to do more.
She had been an amazing friend. Then the Holy Spirit just told me that was my answer to the prayer.
Struggled with it a bit but agreed. Got my tailor to sew me a jumpsuit and when sister girl brought it to mine a DAY to the wedding, it was an EPIC DISASTER.
Everyone at home told me not to bother wearing it. So here we were again dress-less and wedding tomorrow. I frankly almost didn’t go, and this was a wedding we had PRAYED FOR. I tried dress after dress no show and then I just wore something sha.
I LOVE anchoring anything. I am the girl who don’t need no ‘prior notice’ to step up to the mic.
I’ma get up there when called and run the party like I practiced for it. I am a show-off person and very bold too so talking is my bread and tea. Helps that I am blessed with the gift of the garb both natural and then via training so go figure.
But for this one, I FELT so inadequate but I told myself ‘hey, lezzdodis for bae’ so I went and did my thing as well as I could.
I got compliments that I did a great job so I guess the Holy Spirit helped me too.
Sooo many instances my darlings. So many stories.
But the BIGGEST thing that propelled me was knowing that I AM NOT A FAT PERSON NATURALLY.
This ‘orobo’ was brought by indiscipline so I knew if I changed my lifestyle, I would go back to my size 10/12. I LOVE a GOOD CHALLENGE and I absolutely LOVE looking good just like my mama Joyce Meyer.
Plus I had heard her preach a ton about taking care of your body and all. Naturally, i am blessed with a FANTASTIC figure. The ‘hips don’t lie’ kinda bod.
Somewhere under the layers of fat, it was buried.
Letting myself go was unacceptable, especially with the excuse of I had a baby. Honey no, this was NOT baby fat, it was INDISCIPLINE, BAD HABITS and FOOD FAT!!!
I COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND I DECIDED THAT I WOULD.
I got on my knees, repented, (because indiscipline in one area would result in indiscipline in many more areas that won’t please God), and asked God to help me.
Then I put in work.
I knew if I was consistent, I would see results one day sha.
I didn’t start off looking for immediate results. I must have worked out day and night at least 6times a week for like 6-8weeks before I started seeing results and my sister and nieces started noticing.
I wasn’t wise about portion control and eating clean at first but thank God for that group I formed here that brought me in contact with Frances who lectured us on calories and portion control and all.
Then my research began. I joined tons of BBM channels (I mentioned some here) on healthy living, googled calorie content of stuff before I ate it, I watched videos on food discipline and healthy living from my mama Joyce and my Pinky promise BIG sister Heather, and then in November, I joined two online groups (paid for btw) just to get more knowledge.
Look ehn, on this journey, the biggest factor is YOU!!! You can get FIVE award winning coaches and personal trainers but if you don’t discipline yourself, nothing will change. Can I tell you the truth? Yes I joined those groups but if I was giving excuses and being unserious, I would have lost nothing. I can tell you free that we had unserious people in the groups and some even added weight lol.
I recall my bestie actually asked me why I was bothering with the groups seeing as I was disciplined enough on my own. I actually joined to learn more and I did. Because I decided to be my own coach too.
No one person has all the answers. Do your own research. Find what works for you.
You have to come to a point where you UNLOOK a lot of stuff and tell your body NO!!! Then get your tail up and work your butts off.
Excuses don’t burn calories darling. Neither do they impress anyone.
I dealt with pain but I didn’t let it stop me. I had a baby and no help but I found ways to work around it
sometimes my night session happened at 1am and morning happened at 1pm. No gym in my life because I knew it wont work. I downloaded plenty workout vids on YouTube.
No easy way guys. No easy way. Except of course you wanna do pills, fad diets and surgery or whatever. But even those are not easy too.
A LOT of people ask me questions and are like I wanna loose weight , how did you do it? Share your ‘secret’, etc etc and then when I suffer to type it all for them, they say I can’t do it ooo, hey ya, it is hard ooo and all such nonsense.
Too annoying I tell you.
So now I will be sharing the ‘secrets’ every Saturday on my blog. #SavedFit&FAB so I can refer. Won’t suffer myself to do one-on-ones. So feel free to ask questions in the comment box and I would respond in subsequent blogs or under your question if the answer ain’t too long.
106 to 84kg!!!
Now I don’t even feel like I am on a ‘hard’ diet. I eat what I want because I MOSTLY want the good stuff and then I portion control. Occasionally, I go give myself a different kind of treat like, on December 24th, I had this really nice yummy meatpie I bought from the roadside.
BEST meatpie I ever had.
And then January 1, I had noodles. For the first time from I think September 15. I had to do a clean divorce with noodles because it used to be such an Achilles heel for me. I would eat three at a go plus two fried eggs and that comes to an almost 1500 calorie meal. I could eat that EVERYDAY!!! So me dropping noodles was just to tell my body and tummy to CAHMDAN because you not the boss of me.
Now, I am so disciplined with food. I ask myself if I REALLY have to eat it. Most times the answer is NO.
Yes sir. Ma!!!
But even God wants you to do things in moderation and take care of your temple. I believe God wants us to look our best even as we serve Him. I mean, GOD lives HERE, in me. Part of Joel Osteen’s confession includes ‘I honor God with my body and I weigh what You want me to weigh’
I loved it when he said that.
Am I portraying Him well and honouring Him with my body or am I just living anyhow because it is what’s inside that counts?
I bet you that if you are indisciplined in one area of your life, it would soon cascade to other areas INCLUDING your spiritual life.
You keep throwing junk into your body and soon honey, you goin’ to be throwing junk into your mind and then your spirit.
Your body is NOT a trash can, so #LeaveTrashForLawma
Couldn’t resist guys. That’s such a classic line from Baddo. Err, but just incase we are choosing sides I am #TeamIsland haha.
I hope my story helps someone. Gosh, i pray it helps PLENTY someones.
You too can. If you are tired of how you look and are even slightly ashamed or dealing with self esteem, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! And stop beefing all the slim fit mamas or single ladies who eat like horses and look like models. Like my bestie who is pregnant is so HOT jeez!!!
Well, we all have our struggles darling. Yours may be in the area of your weight while hers is in something else. It is just as real even if you do not see it so honey go work your own and leave others to work on theirs.
Would I have gone to heaven fat? Of course!!! But I can tell you that right now, I am ENJOYING THE RIDE on the way there, and I know that even JESUS is proud of His lil’ girl…
And I am still on the journey. Now working on Abs and getting to my BMI ideal of 79kg. Not checking until Jan 31 haha.
Again, if you have questions, drop in the comment section. Or if there is anything you would want me to talk about on my journey. I would share ONLY on Saturdays. So excited about this journey.
Then one last thing, because I understand the struggles and all, I wanna HELP FIVE ladies on this journey too. Meals, portion control guide, workout plans all customized to YOU.
Just my way of thanking God for helping me on this journey. Would give details next Saturday and CONDITIONS. It is free BUT you need to meet my conditions. People ABUSE free stuff walahi. No unserious comedians please. Even when I share on Saturday, I would still give one week for you to think about it before I share the email address to reach me. I need only serious people on this journey not people with initial gragra and a truck load of excuses two days in.
No Sisters, ain’t noborry gat time for tha’
Yawl stay Saved, FIT and oh-so-FABULOUS!!!